I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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