I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
