it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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