Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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