He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
