So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
