Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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