Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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