Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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