We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
