He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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