nut hugger
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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