If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
