I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
