i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
