Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
