brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i've created a new STD.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
