dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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