I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
