We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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