Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
