i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
