there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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