So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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