She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
