Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
