I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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