i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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