i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
