so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
