It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
