just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
