i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
