you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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