It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
