i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
a search helicopter?!
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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