we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
