omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
