Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just had sex on a roof
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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