Swine flu. Run for my life!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
