oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
