I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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