ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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