Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
