put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
