we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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