Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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