We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
