Already got asked if we're dating
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
