Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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