Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Every concussion has its silver lining
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
