my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
