Betty ford says i'm here all night
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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