I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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